Everything on TV sucks; so thank Christ we still have late night infomercials. Sarcasm? You bet your arse. It's been a fair while since I've written a journal entry, insofar a decent topic to rant about comes to mind. So now I'm enraged over those fucking infomercials that air at 2 AM. Damn it, who the hell keeps these people in business?

For those of you blissfully unaware of the cursed infomercial, every one has three main elements in common with each other:

Simple chores like vacuuming, ironing, drilling, cooking, pleasing a woman in bed, etc. are among the most back breaking and utterly strenuous tasks on the planet. Forget constructing the ancient pyramids, these tasks have handy men and home makers running for the hills due to their shear complexity. Hey, that's why we've been doing these things the same way for nearly centuries, right?

Some amazing new product comes along that does something trivial and utterly useless in "JUST SECONDS." It makes the old way of doing the aforementioned tasks look like a retard trying to open a can of baked beans that's already open.

Along comes Mr. Smartass, who knows everything about the product in the sense that he's used it before, but never like he's endorsing the product. Oh wait.....

Always, there is some guy that doesn't quite know what the hell's going on, and looks genuinely amazed by how simple and effective this product is.

Add to these ingredients some cheesy music and a penetrating narrator's voice, and you've got yourself a first class infomercial fit to be spammed on countless late-night networks. And on that note, why are infomercials written so poorly?! There's always the guy that's trying to sell the product standing around, clipping weeds/cooking pasta/polishing a car/curing cancer, when the guy that doesn't know what the hell's going on wanders onto the set like a drunk whose barged into the wrong house after an all night drinking binge. Without fail, the first words out of his mouth are: "Hey, what are you doing?" Like he really gives a fancy flying fuck what he's doing (I know I don't). Then the other guy answers "Oh, just saving time and money." AAAGGHHH. I just want to hit the stupid bastards that come up with these scripts with an iron pipe.

My favourite among these accursed advertisements is the "Miracle Blade III" which boasts the ability to cut pretty much anything and never dull. So what does Mr. Fat Ass chef Tony do for a solid half hour? Lo and behold, he cuts up shit with the knives. Nothing awesome like a ferret, no just shit like a tomato. A fucking butter knife can cut a tomato. You just wasted thirty minutes of my evening cutting up tomatoes with a "superior" knife, when I could do the same thing in less than thirty seconds. The other guy that acts like a special needs child bumps into everything on set saying such gold sound bites such as "that looks so easy." It's a fucking knife! I don't see Chef Tony working on the large hadron collector. I'd like to see him attempt to make that appear easy. Worst of all, they make a gigantic effort to show how awesome their knife is, yet neglect to point out that any knife can do what this one does. Not once did they consult with me and my awesome butter knife. It killed this guy who owed me money fairly easily. Do I really need this knife when it costs more than three times what I paid for this one? If it's so damn eternally sharp, what's stopping it from carving off my finger?

Bottom line is, all infomercials are homosexual. That's right, they all have a clearly defined sexuality, and they are all gay. Next time they ought to pay me to do an infomercial. Ditch the dumbass running around not knowing anything shit. It'll just be me questioning the use of this product then cramming it into your face. You don't have a fucking choice. You can't afford not to buy this revolutionary new toothbrush that cleans your teeth so well you'll only need to brush once a month. Go fuck yourselves, fucking commercial networks. >_<